


VRP

by RabidRabbitsRabato



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Complete, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Violence, Other, Plot Twists, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-09 16:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13485597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RabidRabbitsRabato/pseuds/RabidRabbitsRabato
Summary: Dan is a bad boy.Phil has a crush on him.And Phil has a big secret.But so does Dan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> :D 
> 
> I forgot how much I enjoy writing crack! 
> 
> This story will be two maybe three chapters long, depending where I cut each chapter.
> 
> Let's have some fun, shall we?!

"Hey faggot!"

Phil sighed and quickened his pace down the crowded hallway, trying to get to the nearest bathroom to hide before Austin was able to take out his homophobia on him.

His efforts were in vain however, as a force slammed against his back and pushed him into the lockers lining the walls. Phil took a deep breath to get control of his anger and turned around to face his attacker.

Austin was a generic bully. He was built out of pure muscle and was, of course, on the high school football team. His almost symmetrical features were only marred by a past broken nose that had been poorly set. Phil would consider him attractive if it weren't for the ugly sneer currently being directed at him. The only thing that made Austin unusual was his target. Phil was more than a foot taller him. But this worked against Phil; teachers never believed he could possibly be successfully bullied and, if he was, he was just being a wimp and needed to man up.

"What do you want, Austin?"

"It's not what I want! You want my cock shoved down your throat, don't you?" Austin snickered and looked around at the circle of students watching. Many of them looked at Phil with pity filled eyes but nobody spoke. In fact a few gave hesitant chuckles.

"Even if I wanted to the steroids you take leave nothing left." Austin's face turned red with fury and swung a fist into Phil's stomach.

_Don't, Phil. You know you need to lay low._

Phil screwed up his eyes in pain and fell to the floor.

"Do you need a lesson in keeping your mouth shut, motherfucker?"

"What? Now I'm fucking your mother?" Phil watched Austin's foot reel back and braced himself for impact. However it was interrupted by a new voice.

"What's going on here?" He cringed as he recognized the voice. Being still curled up and tense, though, it probably looked like he was constipated while also trying to hide in his nonexistent turtle shell. Luckily for Phil, everyone's eyes were on the pair standing.

"Uh! Dan, um, nothing. Nothing important, I'm just teaching this fag a lesson."

Dan's voice went deadly calm. "Oh, really? Well you should be careful what words you use otherwise I'll have to teach you a... _lesson_ on manners."

_Why hasn't the bell rang yet?_

As Austin fumbled on his words Phil picked himself up and stumbled away without anyone noticing him. Because people are _definitely_ not attracted to movement and seeing someone in power making a fool of themselves is entertaining. Who cares about someone hurt with potential internal bleeding if you can watch Trum-I mean someone do that. Even if that ridicule does little to nothing in lesSENING THEIR POWER AND MANY PEOPLE STILL SUPPORT THEM AND THEY CAN DO HORRIBLE THINGS WITHOUT BEING LEASHED.

 **Erhm** Where were we then? Oh right:

Phil reached the bathroom and, after checking it was empty, locked the door behind him so he could be alone. The janitor would easily be able to unlock it and he would probably get in a lot of trouble if found out, but right now he could not deal with the looks his peers give him.

Pity, disgust, even fear.

After he was forcefully outed by someone he had thought was his friend two years ago, this was the life he lived every day in school. Phil wished he could be like Dan. Dan was known to sleep with anyone, male, female, or other, yet none of the pain that was inflicted on Phil and the other students that were out of the closet. Dan was known as a bad boy. The _Baddest_ of Boys. Bullies were most likely afraid to say anything to his face for fear of being cut with his rumored switch blade he always carried with him. It was probably just a rumor as even Dan wouldn't be able to avoid the punishment, expulsion, for carrying a weapon on school grounds. Probably.

Rumors also included he had tattoo on his left butt cheek, he did all the drugs, could lift your mother with one hand, and was fucking _hot._ Like sexy hot not warm hot. Although...

Phil lifted his shirt up in front of the mirror to inspect the damage while he thought about his savior.

It was less he wanted to be like Dan and more he wanted to be with him.

But despite them being the two tallest in their school, Phil knew it would never happen. Dan had never been in a relationship, despite the wishes of those he laid with. He was a one and done type of guy. And Phil didn't match his type either, he was much to tall and skinny and loved hamsters too much. Plus Phil knew he couldn't date anyone without hiding a big part of himself. And eventually it would be found out and his significant other would leave him, send him to an asylum, or die. None of which he wanted to happen.

Phil sighed and lowered his shirt satisfied that he would only have a bruise. Pulling his phone out of his pants pocket, he checked the time to see how much time he had until class started.

He found it was 11:30.

On Saturday.

Him and everyone else were in school for absolutely no sane reason.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil was now home. He lived alone despite being a minor. A legal loophole nicknamed Improbability Plot Control. No one ever even addressed it for fear of invoking the wrath of the vengeful god of this universe only known as RabidRabbitsRabato.

He was currently checking his bag to make sure all his supplies were prepared before going out on the town. After all, he had a job to do.

Hunting humanoid hemovores.

Also known as vampires.

It wasn't the most glamorous or fun job but someone had to do it. Honestly Phil would rather let someone else do it but nobody bothered to realize that vampires feeding off of humans was a problem. Politicians insisted that the vampires would never drink the blood of an unwilling person, probably to keep the population from kicking them out of office due to fear and also them being paid off. Vampires were a lot like Jews. No, not that they should all be eliminated, you asshole. They just have a lot of old money. They are immortal, don't need anything other than blood to survive, and have supernatural strength and speed, meaning they are great workers. It only makes sense they would gather up plenty monetary value. And using that to make sure they weren't regularly killed? Hell yeah!

Inside Phil's bag was a hand gun filled with 6 bullets, a oak spike and hammer, and a first aid kit. He had an underground source for blessed bullets. It wouldn't kill anyone who normally didn't die by bullets but it hurt like...heaven?... and would stop a bloodsucker for a few seconds. The spike had a core of iron to stop it from potentially shattering. And the first aid kit was self explanatory.

Satisfied that everything was in place Phil headed outside. Walking a few streets down he hailed a cab and took it to the cinema near the edge of town. Nearby there were a bunch of abandoned buildings, home to many of the city's homeless and used by many teens to sell and take drugs or be _sinners_. Basically the perfect feeding ground for vampires.

Heading in that direction Phil tried to ignore the couples walking outside after watching the new 50 Shades of Gray movie. But when he heard a familiar laugh he couldn't but glance over. He froze as he took in the scene.

Dan was standing outside the theatre with his head thrown back, laughing. It was gorgeous and Phil thought he should smile more often in the back of his mind. But what really took Phil's breath away was that Dan's hands were intertwined with another's. Everyone knew Dan didn't do that. He never went on dates, he never was romantic. His relationships were always purely sexual. Who was it that changed that?

It was a guy. Shorter than Dan. Light brown hair that went to his shoulders. On the heaver side. Phil couldn't see his face from where he was standing.

_But I'm sure he's a good looking tough guy. Maybe even has a scar. A perfect match for Dan. Unlike you._

When Dan leaned down for a chaste kiss Phil turned away. He had work to do and couldn't let this distract him. But in between finding a guilty vampire and executing it he knew it'd be a long night.

* * *

 He was right.

It was already 1 am and he hadn't found any vampires who were feeding on a living human. Phil usually got at least one by now. Maybe they had figured out there was a hunter in this area and had moved. When Phil got home he'd have to check if there are any new areas he needed to patrol, after he slept, ate, and prayed to his senpai shrine of course. Not necessarily in that order.

_Maybe I can call it a night? Could hire one of the prostitutes here, take my mind off Dan?_

His thoughts were interrupted by an echoing shout. Phil ran in the direction it came from and found an almost empty alley between two buildings. In the shadows he could barely see a figure of someone pressing another against the wall. Although he feared that it was just people having a quickie it went against his morals to leave.

"Hey!" He shouted. Or tried to. All his breath was gone from running here. He should probably work on that. A vampire hunter who can barely run without dying isn't very impressive.

Holding on to the wall to avoid passing out, Phil walked down toward the pair. When he was closer to see into the shadows he saw one was being held by the throat off the ground by 2 feet. It actually looked quite weird as the one standing had to stretch his arm all the way up to accomplish getting the victim off the ground.

"This will teach you to run away from me." Phil heard a vampiric hiss and realized it could only be a vampire about to eat an early breakfast! Fumbling to open his bag, he grabbed his gun and shot all six bullets in a blind panic.

He was lucky none of the five bullets ricocheted off the wall and hit him as only one actually landed a hit. Phil had never shot a gun before and threw the gun with surprise at the loud noise.

"Owie, my ears," Phil whined pitifully, covering said ears. He was so enveloped in his own pain he didn't notice the now pissed off vampire drop his previous prey and stalk toward him.

It didn't matter though because when the vampire was about four feet away he tripped on the gun and fell, knocking himself out.

The loud thump was enough to get Phil's attention and he stared at the figure on the ground in shock. He had to finish his job though. Grabbing his stake and hammer he kneeled beside the unconscious man and hammered the wood through his unbeating heart.

The body turned to ash.

Phil picked up his lucky gun and put it away along with his now ash covered spike and hammer. Steeling himself, he turned around to face the person he had saved. This was his least favorite part: explaining and comforting the victim if they were still alive. Unfortunately this one was.

They took a hesitant step forward and Phil's felt his heart stop. It was Dan. Worse night ever.

_Unless he falls for his savior. This could be your chance._

Dan couldn't seem to stop staring at the pile of ash. In an attempt to draw his attention away Phil spoke, using the lines he had prepared in order to get over social awkwardness.

"It's okay. Are you inju-"

"Rob?"

Okay, new approach. "Rob was a vampi-"

Now Dan's gaze snapped to Phil. But this time he was glaring. A little afraid, Phil took a step back.

"I know!"

Phil blinked, confused. "You knew?"

"OF FUCKING COURSE I KNEW! HE IS-WAS MY BOYFRIEND!"

"But...But he was going to drink your blo-"

"HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF ROLEPLAY?!?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VRP=Vampire Role Play
> 
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
> 
> (the sad thing is, I could actually see this happening (with less stupid stuff of course))


End file.
